How do I manage to publish a blog post For Your Eyes Only?

It’s spy time again! Were you aware there is a Bond film titled For Your Eyes Only? I guess I shouldn’t tell you anything about it, since no one else is meant to know? Well, it’s pretty old, I suppose the statute of limitations is finished. It’s a Roger Moore film. I know the next film in our little series should be Thunderball, but I want to intersperse the Moore films with everything else. Basically so I don’t have to watch a bunch of Roger Moore movies all in a row. I’m sure you understand.

Opening: Bond is in a helicopter which Blofeld uses a remote control to fuck with. Bond kills the pilot, seizes control of the helicopter through the simple expedient of unplugging the huge fucking red cord that hooks the control into the, well, the controls. Blofeld is in a wheelchair at this point, so Bond swings around and hooks the runner under the chair, eventually throwing Blofeld into a chimney stack. I guess fuck SPECTRE, am I right?

The actual plot is that a British submarine sank with the ATAC – a fancy message coding/decoding device that must not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. SPECTRE’s hands. Meanwhile, two people are trying to sound and find the sub. They are summarily killed by a plane, just as their daughter – of the never put up, very long brown hair – goes below deck. The villain of this movie is another basic mean to his girlfriend – uh, sort of girlfriend – ward? Daughter? Fuck if I know – dudes who runs drugs or some shit. He actually crops up as Bond’s contact and puts him on the wrong scent. Eventually the false target sets Bond aright and the wander off into the sunset together to be absolutely hilarious. Actually, no, they raid a warehouse with, uh, stuff inside. I literally watched this movie less than 24 hours ago and the details are already starting to slip away. Fucking Roger Moore.

The brown-haired lady wants revenge, and carries or buys a series of crossbows throughout the film. I point out her hair because she dives with it loose, visits other countries with intent to kill with it loose, and even goes on secret missions in combat body suits with it down. Seriously, lady? I mean, there was a cool scene where she flips around underwater with her hair down and it must have taken forever to get that shot.

Well, there’s like two thirds of this piece left to go, and I pretty much have no idea what to say here. Look, I don’t hate Roger Moore for the simple fact he was Roger Moore. Whatever. And I like Octopussy. But, well, this was enjoyable as I watched it but pretty much a non-entity now that I am not watching it. I mean, the Greek smuggler is amazing, and I adore him. The ATAC is a mcguffin of the first caliber, completely unimportant except that everyone wants it. The villain has a pointy little goatee and is really creepy with his ward, whom he is training to be an Olympic skater and maybe his wife later, when she’s not fucking 14 or something? I have no idea. I really think they just threw as much creepy in a pot to get him, past the first few scenes where, really, he’s just weird, not obviously the villain. I mean that, I didn’t think he was the villain the first time I saw him, which I suppose is a plus?

Oh, the opening theme song is terrible. It does that thing where an 80s pop singer displays her range and acumen but sounds like a damn robot, or like she’s being made to sing at gunpoint.

Q uses some fancy computer graphics to render the guy Bond saw pay off a hitman early in the film. It takes hours and hours, given he and Q are the only two people left in the office. One wonders why they didn’t get a fucking police sketch artist or something, but whatever.

OK, jeez, there has to be something to talk about here… Did I mention all the underwater scenes? Because there are a lot. I think in the 70s and 80s they must have just recently developed some good underwater cameras or something, because Bond films then just loved underwater scenes.

I might be watching Die Another Day as I write this, which means, of course, I’m trying to figure out where the hell it went wrong, as the beginning’s so good. I should worry about one bad Bond film before I figure out another, I suppose.

James does fight three hockey players, that’s pretty good. I think he runs one over with a Zamboni, which is pretty much what everyone wants to do when they go into an ice rink.

I don’t want to harp on this shit, but I think the thing with Roger Moore’s movies, even the good ones, that people respond poorly to is that they’re like cartoon versions of the original movies. And cartoons are awesome. But in the course of time the Bond movies forgot what they were really about, and became about themselves. That’s still happening, if you notice. Brosnan’s films are to some extent Moore films that take themselves seriously, complete with the shitty one-liners. Die Another Day was the attempt to fix that (see, I don’t rant and rave – or I don’t just rant and rave; that’s what I bring that film up for). Daniel Craig’s films are pretty much attempts to reboot Bond seriously, without grumping and growling too much (well, there was Quantum of Solace, I guess). What the hell are we supposed to do, as a people? I dunno. What would be good for the filmmakers? Well, what are people afraid of? I guess thing one in a Bond movie is just to make a person that embodies what we’re afraid of and then make Bond shoot it until it’s dead. I’m not particularly afraid of weird former MI-6 operatives angry with their bosses. I love them, they are amazing, and possibly fabulous, but not scary to me. I think the thing right now is that we’ve always done terrorists, and honestly I think a lot of people know that they’re nothing new. And what a lot of people are afraid of right now are bankers and politicians, and maybe the next Bond movie will make one of those the assholes.

One thought on “How do I manage to publish a blog post For Your Eyes Only?

  1. C-$

    You know, I read that the Skyfall theme was the first Bond song to be nominated for an Oscar since For Your Eyes Only. Like you just now, I did a spittake. Because I have ears. And For Your Eyes Only is a horrible song.


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